If suspecting a miscarriage:
Consult your doctor. Have your husband with you. Your doctor will evaluate your hormone levels with blood labs and your baby’s size and heartbeat by ultrasound. Ask for pictures. If decisions must be made or mother’s life is also at risk, seek the guidance of a good and holy priest.
Pray for a miracle. Seek the sacraments. Ask for the intercessory prayers of the saints and your loved ones. Tell God you have the explicit desire and intention to baptize this child.
It can take days or weeks for the miscarriage to complete naturally. A doctor might suggest a medicine or a procedure to assist. Be absolutely certain of death before taking action.
The loss of a child is a terrible suffering. Know that you are not alone and have done nothing wrong. Miscarriages are unfortunately common and often offer no explanation.
If an early miscarriage:
At home, collect what you can - this means clots. Place a strainer in the toilet to catch tissue. Use gauze to rinse out blood. Find the membranous sac and break it open. Give conditional baptism in a bowl while moving the water with your finger. Parents can and should do this. Place in saline solution and preserve in a refrigerator until burial.
If in a hospital, ask your child’s remains be returned to you. Tell every medical professional you meet. Stand your ground: this will be a rare request. All tissues will be reviewed in a lab. Sign paperwork needed to release for burial. A funeral director can help if resistance.
Early miscarriage can feel like labor with contractions or like a menstrual cycle. Go to the hospital if you have excessive bleeding and are changing your pad more than once an hour.
It is appropriate to prepare your baby for burial yourself at this stage. Take a picture, if possible. If you’ve been unable to save remains for whatever reason, it is okay: your child is loved. You can still honor your baby and have Mass offered.
If stillborn:
If able, take time to say good-bye and talk to your baby that has died. Prepare for labor, arrange other childcare, and decide the funeral details. Baptism is only for the living, but you should be prepared to conditionally baptize if there is any reasonable doubt as to whether the moment of death has already occurred.
For the labor: How will you be induced? Do you want to hold your baby? What will comfort you as you wait? Who else do you want there to say hello and goodbye? How would you like pictures taken? What are the burial arrangements? Inform the medical staff.
Know that your baby’s body will be extremely fragile and deteriorate quickly. A special blanket to hold him/her intact or a Cuddle Cot might be available to allow for longer preservation.
Take ALL the time you need to say goodbye to your baby. Do NOT be rushed. Consider keeping a lock of hair, making finger prints and using items you’d like to keep as tangible reminders of your dear child.
If born in danger:
Baptize your child immediately - before being transferred into intensive care where ready access is limited. One person must say the exact words while pouring water on the baby’s forehead at the same time: (“If you are living)I baptize you in the (pour water) Name of the Father, (pour water) and of the Son, (pour water) and of the Holy Ghost." You can use a proxy. Call a priest and request the sacrament of Confirmation. These are two indelible marks on the soul for eternity.
Implore God for a miracle. Seek intercession from the saints and your loved ones. Talk to his/her guardian angel. Ask God to guide you and to give your family special graces for this journey.
Ask to hold your baby. Be near your baby. Talk to your baby. If possible, allow skin-to-skin contact. Let your baby know your love while in your care. Ask someone to take a picture of you together.
Husband: Man up. Your leadership is imperative. Be prepared to make many decisions for your family during this difficult time. Invoke St. Joseph for help. Mother will be emotionally and physically exhausted. Protect her - your bride, the heart of your home.
For help:
Name your baby. This will give him/her a formal place in your family’s prayers and actions. You can guess the gender, act on a hunch or a hope, honor the day’s Saint, or give your baby a neutral name. Say your baby’s name when talking with others.
Rely on your husband. Accept help from others and balance your need for privacy and support. Designate someone to provide updates and answer questions. Be in contact with your priest, doctor, spiritual advisor, funeral director and other mothers who have miscarried.
Take care of yourself. Rest. Pray for your health and healing. Be aware that infection can occur if the miscarriage is incomplete.
Know that the pain of losing your child might not fully hit you until weeks later. Seeing pregnant mothers and babies might cause you to cry. This is normal and it’s okay to not be around them as you heal. Father will grieve his child, too – likely in a different way.
Where to bury:
A Catholic hospital might have special burial arrangements to consider. If you have chosen a funeral home, the hospital will call for your baby to respectfully be picked up. After 20 weeks a fetal death certificate is often required. There might be additional paperwork to release your baby’s body for private burial.
To purchase a plot, ask your parish’s cemetery manager. For burial details, be clear about fetal remains or infant. Build a wood box, buy one at a craft store, or secure a casket. A funeral home might provide one at no charge. Baby can share a headstone with parents or siblings.
Some parishes have a place in the cemetery for the unborn and have monthly Masses said for their souls. If not, look for somewhere that does. (Ex: Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Wisconsin)
While consecrated ground is recommended, a home burial can be appropriate - especially when unsure of remains. Treat this area with visible respect. Check with the local health department about regulations and consider what would be done if you relocated.
What to offer:
Requiem Mass, Mass of Christian Burial, Mass of Angels, Funeral Rite for Infant, Vigil for the Deceased or a graveside committal. Talk to your priest. “The local ordinary can permit children whom the parents intended to baptize but who died before baptism to be given ecclesiastical funerals.” Code of Canon Law 1183.2
If there are no remains, consider asking for a Memorial Mass and the Churching ritual, or a Blessing of Parents After Miscarriage. Talk to your priest. The dioceses of St. Louis and Wichita have an Order for the Naming and Commendation of an Infant Who Died before Birth accessible online.
If a home burial, perhaps your priest can be present. If not, the father should lead the prayers in this setting. Bless the ground with holy water.
To have Holy Mass offered, submit your child’s name, “special intention,” or “for the unborn” along with the monetary stipend to the person who schedules Mass intentions in your parish. To enroll in a Triduum, Novena or Gregorian Mass series, look online or ask a retired priest.
How to honor:
Keep a journal and write letters to your child, dedicate a box for mementos, or consider a visible tribute for your home or to wear. Talk about your child and use his/her name. Do something special on the anniversary of death – visit the cemetery, attend Mass, sing a song, light a candle, thank God for his/her short life.
Truly take the time to grieve and acknowledge your loss. Unite your pain to Christ’s passion and Mary’s sorrows. Offer suffering to God and it can become ‘an instrument of salvation,’ a path to holiness, that helps us reach Heaven.
Ask your baby to intercede for you daily in your family prayers. Have one person say his or her name, and all respond “Pray for us,” or in Latin “Ora pro nobis.”
If unbaptized, pray for the repose of your child’s soul. Be hopeful, trust in God’s goodness, and ask our Blessed Mother to care for your child as her own. Read Philippians 4:6-7, and ask God for the peace of His presence. Your baby has committed no mortal sin, and is happy.
Jesus, I trust in You.